let go.
The last few months have been illuminating. I am currently feeling as though I am playing the fool and I am not allowed to stop until the PLAY is done.
Starting in January, I decided that allowing everything else to fall away and focusing on the wedding ALONE was the wisest path to follow. On the surface, it seems a tad dramatic… giving up EVERYTHING to create your daughters wedding? Not just dramatic, but possibly unhealthy? With a touch of martyrdom?
I had my reasons.
First, trying to nurture too many ‘babies’ is mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTING. I have spent years juggling a million things, filling every crack with tasks and projects that were GLIMMERS of my dreams. Motherhood and housekeeping has never found me content, even though it is a full time gig - plus some! There is something inside me that deeply yearns for expression and independence.
Quite simply, I am OVER IT. Believe it or not, caring for 3 kids living at home (2 away from home) DOES, in fact, require time and energy. I feel like culturally we have this notion that being a mother and managing a home is a HOLIDAY with oodles of time for workouts, lattes, and volunteering for every event intersecting in our families lives - or cute side hustles/MLM’s that effectively do not actually cover the expenses they require.
The other reason was more soul searching, possibly existential. I have been over-whelmed for a very VERY long time, yet I seem to pulling more towards me at an alarming rate - like an imploding star collapsing onto itself.
When I look around me I see two views. One of them is MAGIC itself with stardust brimming on every surface, playful possibilities lighting every corner. I feel as though I am cradling a flowering bud with the promises of breathtaking beauty that requires just a little more SUNSHINE. I can feel the bones of the house sighing in relief as we patch her up and give her a fresh coat to wear.
On the other hand, it is perpetual CHAOS and daily routines are almost impossible. Defeat now greets me all too often and despair settles in like my well worn, paint splattered sweatpants. Everything requires time and money, OODLES of it and I often feel powerless to create it for myself. It is like I am trying to throw a party in quicksand. I am BEING TOO MANY THINGS - a mother/housekeeper, a renovator/project manager, and design work - for my sewing patterns and contract work for clients (interior design and photography). On top of that… feeling forever as I am not ENOUGH, with the criticisms and expectations never ending. The words ‘cringe’ and ‘extra’ are rather raw at the moment, as the younger generation (my children) seem to throw those responses around like a sword - perhaps… it is a shield?
And yet… I keep pulling more towards me. Filling the dissonance with distraction and dreams - each one adding a tether of expectations that perpetuate the sinking into the boggy, murky QUICKSAND. Nothing feels solid. I chase lightness and intention with dopamine hits of more fabric, a new sewing pattern/project, or learning a new skill that requires the immediate purchasing of a glorious new material list and with it the reassurance f purpose.
And I feel overwhelmed.
So. I thought maybe, just MAYBE, taking a pause from loop and focussing on ONE thing could be a REPRIEVE and pause the impending implosion.
Sometimes, it was - a SUSPENSION from the buzzing and soothing in its simplicity.
More so, it was ILLUMINATION sprinkled some self loathing as the scaffolding of my inner workings were so blatantly EXPOSED. The minute I would set myself to a task, I would find myself creating yet a new supply list for it, or infinitely longing for a knitting project or whatever else to ‘sustain’ me as I puttered away. It should be noted… I banned myself from buying any fabric, yarn, or ‘supplies’ in general for this very reason. I knew it was my preferred ‘coping’ mechanism. Starting a new project to endure the current one - forever having something on the horizon is my revolving balm.
The PULL. My my, it was something else. I knew it was my coping pattern and abstinence would be trying at times, at best, boring. However, I was mildly HORRIFIED at just how bereft and DISASSEMBLED I felt. The ‘dopamine’ projects were my projected anchors to the sky to balance the sinking of the quicksand beneath my feet.
The process also revealed how much I often really do not WANT to do what I am doing, but feel like I HAVE TO - it is the ONLY option. Whether it was making flowers, sewing something, or tending to a dismantled house - all things I like, even LOVE, respectively, but quickly become prisons with duty. I tried not to fight it, instead OBSERVE and let it teach me. That sounds calm and refined - serene enlightenment itself … My insides were NOT calm and I would say AWARE with foggy lenses gazing down a long corridor where ‘enlightened’ might be…
It felt very MESSY and I am yet uncertain of what solid GROUND is. I even found myself irritated by relationships I have had for longer than I have not. Generally, I am not an irritated sort. The clarity of the ROLE or persona I play in each and how ridiculously well I adapt. Connections often felt/feel performative - I could feel the walls close around me and they no longer felt protective or familiar. The feeling persist and it is stifling. In fact, I am feeling a lot of anger and I feel a wall forming.
Mmmm…maybe not a wall… hopefully a POST or footing. A FOUNDATIONAL post with a solid footing. One that anchors the HOME inside my own, glorious body and the desperate flinging heavenward can finally rest.
The wedding is 6 days away. The play comes to an end.
After it passes, I am uncertain of what to PICK UP again. As I have observed my responses and patterns, I no longer know what is masking as promising purpose or ‘the only option’. What parts are solid ground - is there solid ground?
Maybe… rather than pick up… let go? If I have learned anything in the last few months is that I am HOLDING TOO MUCH.
Time to REST,
allow the ground to grow more solid - all the pieces are there, they are just a bit diluted.
LET GO.